.Peculiar Babies. {16} Final Thoughts



.Final Thoughts.

I can't believe this incredble journey Levi and I have been through together. And it all ends and restarts tomorrow! It doesn't feel like it really should have gone by this quickly. I am trying to wrap up all my final thoughts before tomorrow and I am having brain fog. I don't even know how to explain how I feel exactly. I even tried explaining it to Levi and I couldn't...
Pregnancy had it ups and downs that is for sure! But to be completly honest, I was grateful for it every single day. From the day we found out we were pregnant I decided that I was going to be positive the entire time. Even if anything were to happen along the way, or when I knew it would be hard. Why? Because of my sister Christy. She has been the #1 reason I have chosen to laugh when it hurts and smile when I wasn't happy. She was and is my best supporter (besides Levi of course), even though I know how hard it has got to be on her. I don't think I would have been able to do this without her. We grew closer this year and words cannot describe the blessing that alone has been for me. She has become one of my best friends. One of my favorite things to do this pregnancy was go over to my moms on days I didn't work and hang out with my mom and her all day. (and of course all of our Last Chance runs together). So thank you Christy, I don't think I could ever tell you this in person without crying, so I hope you're read this! Love you.
Everyone has been telling us how our world is going to be flipped upside down, how hard it is going to be and that we should live up our last days as the "2" of us. And I believe all you, but just like my pregnancy, I am choosing to laugh when it's stressful and when I want to cry. I know there will be long days and nights and that it will be a challenge, but I don't think me becoming a mom or Levi becoming a dad could have happened at a better time for us. Do I still get anxiety when I hear a newborn cry, of course. But the support we have with family, friends and ward members makes me know that we are going to be ok. One of the best texts of encouragment I got today was from my sister Hillary's SIL, Kelly. She has twins who are 8 and in her text she said "You really cannot imagine the incredible amount of joy these little babies are about to bring you. It's going to be a whirlwind of emotions so cut yourself some slack (she knows how hard I can be on myself) and savor this amazing experience. Twins are a unique privilege from our Heavenly Father but they are NOT for the faint of heart. As parents of multiples we're kinda special, as I'm sure you've seen and will soon fully grasp". I know I can do this, and I am ready.
I have been reading Baby Wise and Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Twins on how to grasp the schedule of eat-play-sleep. I really enjoy the organization of it all, because I have a slight OCD with being organized so reading these books has given me hope and I am excited for the challenge.
I am becoming a mom tomorrow of 2 beauiful babies, a son and a daughter. It's 10:30pm and I have to be up at 4am to get myself ready to be to the hospital by 5:30am. I do not have an ounce of tiredness in me, all I can think about is how natural this all feels. Becoming a mom is a natural feeling for me I guess. I don't know if it's because I have 29 nieces and nephews I've grown up with or what, but I now know my final answer of when people would ask me if I was ready and I didn't know what to say at the time...but my answer is "It all feels so natural and I am ready".
Less than 9 hours. Tomorrow is going to be one of THE best days of my life, and I wouldn't want to experience it with anyone else by my side but Levi. The past few weeks I have slown down a ton, and Levi has truly surprised me with how willing and helpful he has been. He has proven himself once again on being the best husband. Recovery isn't going to be easy but I know how hard of a worker he is and how much easier it will be on me having him there.
Tomorrow is also my mom's birthday. I got to choose the 3rd, 4th or 5th to have my c-section and the 4th it is! I couldn't figure out a more perfect gift to give my mom than Twin Grandbabies! So Happy Birthday Mom! Thank you for helping me out so much with this pregnancy and helping me get situated with everything. From my nursery bedding, to burp cloths and blankets, to helping me stay calm and keep positive thoughts about what I am getting ready to go through. I love you and hope tomorrow is the best for you!

.Peculiar Babies. {15}

Last week Levi and I were laying in bed and I couldn't sleep so I asked him if he would play with my hair and talk to me. We reminisced about our favorite moments and thoughts we both had from when we met, dated, got engaged and the first couple years of our marriage and all of our favorite trips. It was fun to just lay there and talk and giggle about all these memories we had for over an hour. It was just what I needed. Some Levi time all to myself. Makes me understand and realize the importance of having "us" time like that often after the babies get here.
I'm 36 weeks and 5 days (the picture of me is when I was 34 weeks). Babies will be here in 4 days. I am having to get a c-section due to both babies being breached and Baby Boy being over my cervix. If anything, having a scheduled c-section is more of a relief. I like to be on a schedule and so this is right up my alley! I'm still not fully prepared, but I don't know if I ever could be. I have gotten a lot bigger the past few weeks and have a few stretch marks that made their debut earlier last week. I am totally ok with it tho, I'm still amazed that Levi and I are getting this blessing to be parents to twins. So until Thursday morning we are taking in every second of being together and getting things done.

.Peculiar Babies. {14}

I have been blessed with an easy pregnancy so far, sleeping through the night, can still fit my legs and butt in most my jeans with a belly band to help keep them up since I obvisously cannot button them, have only gained 20-25pds, working out 3-5 times a week for anywhere from 30-60min and can still work doing nails and toes 20-30hrs a week. How I got so lucky, who knows! But I am ever so thankful every day for my health and the ability to carry these babies.
I am 32 1/2 weeks right now, and up till 31 weeks I didn't have 1 complaint. Until now...and really not so much a complaint, more funny than anything because I have never experienced this sort of pain before so all I can really do is laugh and just deal with it.
Almost 2 weeks ago there was a day that I could just.not.keep.my.eyes.OPENED! I was booked with clients from 9-3 and knew I couldn't reschedule them because I was tired, so I pushed through. And when I had a 10min break, I closed my eyes and slept what seemed like hours. From that point on my energy level has just kept getting weaker and weaker. Which is fine, I mean I am carrying twins and my body is working hard so I can't give myself a hard time. I have only had the energy to go to the gym once this week and last, hoping this coming up week I can go at least 3 times.
I am finally able to slow down with clients. No more 6 hour work days, 4 hours at the most from here on out!

3 nights ago Levi and I were driving home in different cars (we had met up at Baby Gap thinking they had this killer sale going on, wrong!!) and I had worked from 8:30-3:30 that day and was just done. Emotionally, physically and mentally. I had missed my turn to go get my Sonic Ice and we were talking on the phone and Levi just told me to go to Circle K for the ice and I lost it. Tears came pouring out, I was exhausted and couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to get out of my car to go inside somewhere, just wanted to drive up and get my ice and be on my way.

Really? I'm crying over ice? Oh man...the hormones have kicked in!!

Levi, being the best supporter and husband there is, tells me to just go home and get comfy. He went out of his way to go to Sonic for my ice and by the time he got home I was already in the bath, relaxing, where I stayed for the next hour. Then slept from 10-8 with zero interuptions (except when Levi kisses me and 2 kisses on my belly to say goodbye to us at 5:15 every morning, which I do not mind what so ever).

Well it happened, what I have not been looking forward to...at 4:15 this morning Levi got up to leave for Dove Hunting, and I was wide awake. Tried going back to sleep and by 4:45 there was no hope. It was pitch black outside, the gym doesn't open till 8am on Saturdays {so lame I know}, and I had no motivation to get up and start laundry or vacuuming and didn't want to read the baby books I have set aside to read. So I sat there, on my phone, for over an hour. I think it must have been around 6:30/7 when I was able to go back to sleep and slept till 9. Hoping that doesn't happen again for quite some time. Although I do feel like it is Heavenly Father preparing me for the sleepless nights to come and that's fine by me! 

The back pain has settled in and is here to stay. I was in pure pain as we were walking out of Dillards at 9pm tonight. Probably didn't help that we had been out and about since 10:30 this morning. Between getting breakfast, shopping at Anthro and Target, going to lunch, visiting Lyss and her babies in the hospital, seeing a movie, going to dinner and dessert with Shelbie and Scott and then more shopping at Dillards. My feet were starting to get swollen from this dang heat and my body was just over heating. I wanted to cry, but all I could do was laugh (after I cooled off). By the time we got home I could hardly walk and laying down my side was painful because I ate way too much tonight too, haha! So here I am, on the couching blabbering about my pregnancy. But I know I will be glad I have these memories to look back on.
I only have 3 1/2-5 1/2 weeks left to enjoy this feeling, to be able to look down and not see my feet, only to see my babies move. Sure it gets uncomfortable at times and the urge to pee just hits you out of no where, but I wouldn't have it any other way!
*33 Week Check up is on Tuesday!! We will see how big the babies are, if they're both breached still, what the likely hood is of them moving and when Dr. Layton thinks these kids will make their debut! Hoping I can make it to 38 weeks, but if not hopefully will go to at least 36 weeks. I am not ready!! Still need to pack the hospital bags, make the bedding, buy a stroller, diaper bag, wash all their clothes and to make their carseat covers!!!!

.Peculiar Babies. {13}

I've been horrible at actually documenting this pregnancy. I totally thought I was going to be the type about talking about the first kicks, aches and pains, cravings, etc. But all I can think about is how lucky I am and how the heck am I going to prepare for two, TWO babies! Luckily I've got some pretty amazing sisters and friends to help me out along the way. I planning on this week to be my "catch up on blogging week" let's see if I can stick to it!!
I have taken some pictures through out the pregnancy and for documenting reasons I am going to post them.
*Week 4: Found out we were pregnant in Vegas!

*Week 6: We are having TWINS!!!
*Week 8: Graduated from the Fertility Clinic.

*Week 10: Still not showing.

*Week 12: I thought I was totally showing by now, looking back I'm pretty sure I was crazy.

*Week 15: Morning sickness is gone, back to normal self!!

*Week 17: The bump has officialy made it's debut.

•Week 18: Found out that we are getting a BOY and a GIRL!!!

•Week 19: Still at the point then when I get hungry, I have to eat NOW point!! Or else I'd get sick

•Week 20: Brother is measuring closer to the cervix than what is "normal", have to take it easy. IE: no running, jumping or "rough" housing heehee.

•Week 21: Took our "Baby Cation" to Belize!
•Week 22: No more traveling outside of the country.

•Week 23: Brother is officially bottom bunk and sister is top bunk!

•Week 24: The guest bedroom is ready for all the helpers;) hint hint
•Week 25: Gained 17pds so far, still working out 3-5x a week for about 30-60min.

•Week 26: Still sleeping through the night, haven't had to get up to tinkle since 17 weeks pregnant. (Visalus has made a tremendous effect on the way I feel, more on that later!!)
•Week 27: Went camping (yes camping, tent, air mattress and all) for an entire week with my family in Carlsbad.
•Week 28: Gained 20pds so far. (thank you Visalus!!)

•Week 29: Got my first cold of the pregnancy, pregnant girls should not be allowed to get sick....
•Week 30: Just started waking up to go to the bathroom 1x a night, usually between 3-5am.

Brother: he is the active one at night, usually the reason why it takes me a good hour or so to fall asleep bc I love being able to watch and feel him move.
I noticed at 29  weeks that he was the first to have the hiccups! It's pretty funny. Feels like a constant twitch.
I was talking to him one day (sounds weird I know) but I was telling him to always take care of his sister and to be a good example to her and I had my hands on my belly and I felt like he gave me "Knucks" telling me "I will mom, don't worry".
He is camera shy, we maybe only have one profile picture of him.
He likes to stretch and put his feet right on belly and his head up in my left ribs.

Sister: She is always the active one in the middle of the day.
She likes to curl up and push against my belly making it look like a big ski slop.
Every ultra sound we get, she likes to be front and center. Always looking at the camera. At 28 weeks you could tell she has chubby cheeks already!!

Together: They are both head up (brother thinks he's being silly), I like to think of it as they are just hanging out, talking and helping each other get ready to come into this world.
They are the most active in the morning, they get that from their dad. Levi is the best morning waker upper, me however, I'm a night owl.
Both babies still don't have names!!! We are trying something new this week, we will take a name "combo" we like best and refer to them as those names, hoping that helps us figure what what we are going to name these munchkins!!!

I feel like they know when I am thinking about them, because every time I start thinking about how they are going to be, what they're going to look like, how they're going to sleep and interact with eachother, they both start moving and dancing like crazy!!

.Peculiar Babies. {12}

-May 23rd-
We went in for the gender reveal ultra sound on Wednesday morning. Before we got started the tech asked me if she could see what the gender was if I wanted to know. I said no and that I wanted her to write it down and seal it at the very end. The ultrasound took about an hour and a half. The tech did all the measurements on both babies and whenever she was looking to see the gender she had Levi and I look away. We wanted to find out together with my entire family that night. After she completed everything she whispered to me that everything looked perfect with both babies. I guess she isn't supposed to say anything until the results got to Dr. Layton. She wrote down the sex of each baby, put it in an envelope, sealed it and off we went! I took the envelope and placed it under Lyss' doormat, she was sweet enough to bake us a double layer cake with the color of each baby inside. She was the only person who knew, she wouldn't even tell Owen because her and I both knew he would tell Levi!!
That night we went to my sister Michelle's house because my nephew Bryton was being ordained an Elder (He has been called to serve a mission for our church and will be serving in Denver Colorado, reports September 12th) My entire family was there, I couldn't have thought of a better way to find out. Levi and I cut into the cake as if it were our wedding day, I felt very cheesy at that moment. Once we got one slice through we both peaked to see and....WE'RE GETTING 1 OF EACH!!! We couldn't be more excited, how lucky is that?! I love it, the best of both worlds. We feel so blessed. Baby girl is on top bunk and baby boy is on bottom bunk. I love being able to feel them on a daily basis and being able to tell who is who. Names still haven't been decided on, but we've got 4 more months for that!

.Peculiar Babies. {11}

Yes, it's true! We are pregnant...WITH TWINS!!!! Looking back that was the longest 20 months of my life, but now that I'm living in the moment I wouldn't take back those 20 months for anything. It was a blessing to be able to have that time with Levi, to go and play and become the best of friends through this trial. And might I add, now that I'm not on fertility meds anymore or any hormones for that matter, I am the happiest I have been. I laugh more and enjoy my time I have with just Levi and I. Those 20 months were the longest and best months of my life, it was what brought Levi and I closer than I ever have imagined.
I am kicking myself in the bum for not blogging earlier, or for not even keeping a journal of the pregnancy so far!! So let's try and recap shall we!

•Due Date: October 24th, 2012
•Week 4: We found out we were pregnant while spending a weekend getaway in Vegas. I took the test early that morning and then wrapped it up in a towel and threw it in a corner without looking at it so Levi and I could see it together. When we both woke up and saw the "pregnant" sign, we didn't believe it. We couldn't because of the false positive we have 2 months prior. So that following Monday when I went in for blood work and they confirmed it, we are pregnant!!!!!
•Week 5: I had to go in for blood work 3 different times to monitor my HCG levels. Every evening the nurse would call me to confirm that I was still pregnant and that my levels were rising, as she giggled each time. My levels were very high and she couldn't tell me what exactly that meant but that I was still pregnant. So what did I do? Well what anyone would do, I googled it of course! Sure enough...my levels were so high, that I was pretty dang nervous there was more than just 2 babies in my belly (we had not had an ultra sound done by this point yet, but Levi and I were certain there were at least twins.
•Week 6: We went in for our 6 week check/1st Ultra Sound and sure enough...there were 2 heart beats!!  That night we went around to both of our families houses announcing the pregnancy with balloons and a chalk board sign. Keep that a secret for 2 weeks was the hardest thing I've done. There were so many tears as they first figured out we were pregnant, but then more tears came as we told them we were expecting twins!! The babies will be #30 and 31 for my side and #11 and 12 for Levi's side of grandkids.  Oh and to top it off, my very best friend since we were 2 who grew up 4 streets down from me, is pregnant with twins as well and is due exactly 1 month before me!

•Week 8: I graduated from the fertility clinic and from that point till delivery I will be seeing Dr. Layton.

•Week 12: I got to finally go off progesterone, it made me super bloated. I was still very nauseous at this point, taking 2 Zofran's a day. At this point tho I finally was getting my energy back. Was able to cook and clean in the same day. I craved cheese like crazy, I actually couldn't get enough of it.

•Week 14: finally into the 2nd trimester, still a little sick but only taking Zofran when I started feeling really queasy . I had only thrown up about 4-6 times at this point. The word "cheese" tho made me loose my appetite faster than anything. And I have gained 7 pounds so far.

{Same Day appt's, different Doctor's. Lyss is having BOYS!!!}

*Week 15: Threw up randomly one Sunday morning, hoping it was the last of this phase. I am finally able to eat normal and the one thing I thought I would crave for sure, I don't!!! Sweets :) It just doesn't do it for me, gives me a tummy ache if anything. I wake up starving, and now when I get hungry, I get hungry fast!! I need to remember to pack little healthy snacks through out the day.

•Week 16: thought for sure I was going to be able to find out what we are having this week and do the whole cake reveal party with my family on mothers day/my birthday, but the dr said I have to wait till 18 weeks. I totally cried haha. I still have only gained 7 pounds. Dr. Layton said I should be starting to feel "flutters" but I still can't, that or I can't tell the difference between gas bubbles and flutters...I lay in bed every morning patiently waiting and nothing. Hopefully here in a few weeks I will be able to start feeling them both move around.

•Week 17(Today): I am feeling great, working out 4-6 times a week for 45-60min a day. I have to be careful and not over heat my body and not raise my heart rate too much. I can still fit into most my jeans, some I am already using the "hair tie" trick. But with the weather slowly creeping up and staying in the 100's from here on out, I have a feeling skirts and dresses will become my best friends, along with being in a pool as often as possible.

We get to find out what we are having next week and couldn't be more excited!!! It's the anatomy appointment and I will be having the ultra sound tech put the sex of the babies into an envelope and I will be taking the envelope straight over to Lyss and she will be baking me a cake!! We will be doing the reveal party that night with my entire family. The babies are measuring 2 days apart from each other, so from the beginning we have both thought it would be 1 boy and 1 girl. However, mine and Levi's "gut" feeling is saying differently...he says 2 boys and I say 2 girls...Next Wednesday can't come soon enough!!

(Sorry about the phone pictures, but it's all I've got. I need to get better about using our camera and then uploading them every week and blogging. Being that about 6 months ago our computer crashed and then last week iCloud deleted everything from my phone. Thank goodness for FB and IG at times like this!)

.Peculiar Baby. {10}

The last time we talked, it was in December when I had a +positive+ pregnancy test and then started my cycle 2 days later. After having blood work done, we found that it was just a "faulty" pregnancy test . How rude right?! Well it didn't help with all the hormones I was taking at the time either.
January we started seeing Dr. Craig in Tempe. He is a goofy looking fella, but he knows his stuff and was to the point about everything. And his nurse practioner Shannon, it was love at first sight for me. She was so nice, informative and didn't make me feel like a fool for any random questions I had. Also, with Dr. Craigs staff. You saw the same nurse practioner, the same girl who draws your blood, the same lady to talk about insurance too, and the same doctor every time. Phew!! What a relief! I felt as if they always knew who I was and really cared and were interested in what was best for me and what I needed in order to fix whatever it is that is wrong.
We had to wait a month for insurance purposes to do our 4th IUI. Which I was totally fine with. At this point, I had quit my job/walked out on the spot the 3 days before Christmas. A decision that Levi had been telling me to make and do since last August but I never had the guts. Dr. Craig had me on different progesterone, more shots, I wasn't allowed to raise my heart rate past 130-so I had to be careful with cardio, and no caffiene.
It was a Friday Feburary 3rd. Levi was waiting for me infront of the building as I drove up. I always get nervous before going in to these appointments and he is always there for me ready to hold my hand through the entire thing. Each time is a different nervousness, maybe this time was because they were doing the IUI 2 days prior than when I showed I was supposed to ovulate but because of how my follicules looked-not off my blood/hormone levels. We get in, Shannon calls us back, I get ready and we see that Levi has plenty of swimmers and that I had 4 Follicules that were ready with 1 "Cheer Leader" aka, it wasn't big enough to be considered a canidate (follicles are what they call the "eggs" before they drop and actually become eggs). Levi always like to watch how the procedure is done and the nurse always lets him stand behind her and watch every step. Well this time, as Shannon was getting ready to inject the swimmers, she looks up to Levi and says "actually, do you want to inject the swimmers?", Levi got more giddy than I have seen him a long time and glady accepted the invitation to do so. Shannon gave him all the instructions needed and he injected all 53 million little swimmers, smiling ear to ear.
This 4th IUI experience was the best one of them all. I felt at such peace knowing that whatever happens will happen. My family and close friends did a fast for us the previous Sunday, Levi and I have grown so close through this trial, I finally had a clear mind with no work stress and we could feel all the prayers coming our way. It's incredible the path Heavenly Father leads you down, and the faith you have to have to just know that whatever is going to happen, it will be for the right reasons.

.Peculiar Baby. {9}

You're a mean one...Mr. Grinch!

T'was the Day before Christmas Eve, there was no "spotting" in site, but still seeing a negative didn't seem right.
The morning of Christmas Eve came at a surprise, we saw a positive and there was not 1 dry eye.
We celebrated and prayed, for giving us such a wonderful present on Christmas Eve Day.
We were so head over heals, that it almost didn't feel real.
Christmas morning something was telling me no, and within a couple of hours I was in full flow.
So onto round 4, a new Doctor we are seeing, we hope to not have anymore grieving.
It will all work out, so we better not pout. Everything has it time and right now it's not mine.

.Peculiar Baby. {8}

17 Months

Update:

Since my last post, we had discussed trying another IUI, we had to check on insurance and see what we had available for the remainder of the year. September and October were no-go's for another IUI due to bad timing on trips, not the end of the world. So we went ahead and did our 2nd round this month. 

And to my surprise, our insurance covers 100% of IUI's!! That made a million of my worries go away, knowing that if my body can handle it, I will keep doing the IUI's as needed.

-Fast forward-

Black Friday. Didn't go as I had hoped it to and Aunt Flow came back for another visit. DARN HER!! I really wish there was an easy blood work test or teeny tiny camera inside of me that could figure out why my eggs and Levi's swimmers won't be friends. I had 3 eggs ready for action this month and Levi had way more little active buddies ready to go this around. Sheesh...some day soon, they will make the best of friends, I can just feel it!

This whole experience has brought Levi and I so close, closer together than I think any other trial would have brought us. Heavenly Father knew we could handle this, and even tho I may or may not have been extra extra moody this past month, I know that Levi still loves me. And I love that I have something to blame my craziness on;) 

 Every month feels almost like a slap in the face when Aunt Flow comes, I can't help but just to remind myself there is always next month. And the less "pity me" I do, the faster I recover. I try my best to not let this over take my life. I have had my ups and downs with the current Doctor's I am seeing {ok lets be honest, I am switching Doctors in January and will be going to the same doctor my sister went to next year if our insurance is still as great as it is right now} I am confident that they know what they're doing and that I will have a baby when it is the right time. I just feel that this new doctor I will be seeing will be able to give me more answers, and I look forward to knowing I will be seeing the same doctor each visit instead of 1 of 3 doctors.

I was talking to one of my sisters last week, and she helped remind me that we just need to choose and be happy. Life is so much more fun that way. Sure you can get and be mad, but why? If you can choose how to feel, why not choose to be happy and just assume the best out of every situation? As hard as that can be, I am up for the challenge! 

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Levi and I truly feel the love that we get from each of you.

-Xoxo-

.Peculiar Baby. {7} -IUI-

14 months.

 We have been through quite a bit the last month and half with all of this. Dr. Moffitt had me come in to have an ultra sound done where they inject iodine and make sure there is no blockage anywhere. Check! Passed that one with flying colors. 

That next day I started clomid, and luckily I had no funny side effects which is always a huge relief.

 Later that week they had me come back in for more blood work and to check how many eggs I had (basically to see how I responded to the clomid). Check! So far, so good!

One week later, I went in and Dr. checked my eggs once again, I had 3 (the 4th was almost there, but not quite the size as the others, that's ok tho), they were a perfect size, Levi's test came back perfect, so on "paper" there is no reason why we haven't gotten pregnant in the months past. So the doctor approved everything for an IUI and said "Let's get you a baby!". I cried, so anxious, excited, scared, nervous, and all of the above. Finally we are getting closer. 

That same night at 11:30pm Levi had to give me a trigger shot in my belly. Fun for him, not me.

 2 days later at 8am we had to be in Phx. Levi's appointment was first, then mine was at 9:30. The nurse was the one who performed the procedure, who we love, and were totally comfortable and confident with her. She explained to us that they only need 5 million swimmers to have this done, and well...Levi had 9x that. Hoping one of those 44 million will find it nice and cozy up there! The procedure went great, not too many side effects besides headaches every day from the hormones I have to take daily, twice a day.

Then the waiting game...
Longest 2 weeks of my life.
Sadly...it did not take this round and we are not pregnant. 
Yesterday all I could do is think about was us being parents. I went to lunch with 3 of my best friends and one of them turned to me and asked if I was ok. I told her I was just sad, and as soon as she said "I'm sorry", I completely lost it. She held my hand while I cried harder than I ever have.
I felt numb for the rest of the day. Cried a few more times. Took a 4hr nap. Sipped on some Diet Coke. And cuddled up to Levi while watching movies.
I try my hardest to not think "why" and to just remember there is a time and a place for everything. I know my Father in Heaven has a plan for me. We are going through this trial for a reason, for what I do not know, but I do know it will only make us stronger and closer to Him.
This month I will:
Have a clearer mind.
Attend the temple more than once.
Ask Him more of "help me to understand" and less "why".
Start training for a Sprint Triathlon.

We were considering attempting another IUI in November, but we may wait until next year. The last 14 months of "trying to time" everything just right has been a little overwhelming and exhausting. And even tho people always say "you get pregnant when you're not thinking or stressing about it", I have a feeling I will never not think about it.
I have to go in for more blood work later this week to check my levels. I have no idea what is next, but I know everything will be ok.
So until we do go in for another IUI, I will become a better me. Spiritually and Physically. No more excuses.

"Faith is not about everything turning out OK; Faith is about being OK no matter how things turn out."
-Anonymous-

.Peculiar Baby. {6} Hopeful

It's been one year...sigh...never did I think that I would be that girl in the friend group who had a difficult time getting pregnant, never. I've been healthy my entire life, never have I taken anything to harm my body. So to find myself in this position is so weird, but I am totally ok and at peace with this whole process. I promised myself from the get-go that I wouldn't be "that" girl who complained and cried over not being able to get pregnant as easily as some, however I am human and so I have cried myself a few times and have had to leave a baby shower or two early because it just got too hard for me. I have an amazing big sister to look up to and go to for any questions and advice during this whole process and that has helped me out so much. Every day I want to be more like her.
What's been happening: I have been taking Fermara for 6 months now, with no luck. I told myself I would give it a good solid year before going into a Fertility Specialist. I called at the beginning of July to make an appointment thinking it would take me oh a good 2-3 months to get into Dr. Moffitt at ARMS, but lucky for me they had an opening 9 days later. My big sis had prepped me for the first consultation, which I was very relieved she did or else I am sure I would have been crying like a baby and more emotional than I already was. Her information also helped Dr. M know what type of test he wants to try and run first.
The 1st Initial Consultation: Levi and I sat down with Dr. M in his office for about 45minutes, going over different options. The best case scenario's and the worst case scenario's. (To be honest, I wasn't ready to hear the worst case, so I let that go in one ear and out the other. I figure we will cross that path if needed and prep for it at that time.) After the consultation he did a full exam to make sure everything was good and healthy before continuing on with future treatments, I passed with flying colors-phew. We will be starting with the basics, as I expected. I have a procedure that has to be done on a "certain" day of the month, which just so happens to be tomorrow, (sorry boss for the last minute notice) along with blood work. Levi and I both have to take antibiotics tonight and tomorrow morning, for what reason I am not sure of, but they said it puts us one step closer, so I said okay! Then after my procedure tomorrow, I will go in again in about 2-3 weeks to have more test done, ultrasounds and blood work. (That is of course if I am not preggers)
After leaving Dr. M's office I felt very reassured and hopeful. Knowing that everything really is going to be ok. The nurse had a lot of information to tell me and paper work to read. She also reassured me that I don't have to memorize everything, and that they will go through step by step with me at each appointment so I am never feeling confused. Those 90minutes were like a job interview, you go in so anxious and nervous that when you leave you can hardly remember what was said! At least that is how I felt anyway :) Luckily Levi was there for everything and has a better memory than I do. But that is also why I feel that it is important for me to write about it, so I can remember and help others go through what I am going through.
I know there can be dozens of reason on why I haven't been able to go pregnant yet. We have checked everything off the list that we could have done and that is why we have chosen to go see a specialist. The awesome thing about this whole process is tho, I know without a doubt that it is 100% the Lord's timing. Some may say that they will just let nature take it's course, and that it totally fine. But for me,  I feel  that Heavenly Father put these incredible doctors here on earth to help us learn and grow through these hard times. And to help us find answers. I have learned a lot the past 12 months and have been so thankful for every trial that has been put in my path. I have an incredible husband who is so loving, positive and supportive through it all.
I have a 100% chance of becoming a mom, and that to me is the greatest blessing to look forward to. (Thanks C&C for that)

.Peculiar Baby. {5} Naturalist

I went in and saw Harriet today. Oh Harriet....she is something else.

And you know what, I liked her! A lot!!!

She is all about your body's frequencies, reflexology and helps you understand what makes your hormones, organs, and levels all work. My father-in-law is into this kind of natural medicines, and I totally believe it!

She first applied pressure on all my pressure points on my feet. Telling me to let her know when it hurt. It only hurt on one are of my foot and from there she knew exactly what was wrong. She did a few more test and we talked about what is going on.

Well...basically none of my hormones are functioning correctly. My liver is over working, I have hardly any calcium, something above my pituitary gland that is supposed to release hormones isn't, because like 3 other things in my body aren't functioning correctly. And breathe...

So she gave me 4 different types of drops to take, 3 different herbs, and 2 creams. Sounds intense right? It's not really. Hearing her explain everything made total sense. But you know what hit home the most and made me almost cry??

She was doing a frequency test on me and said "Oh wow...{looks up at me}, how did you do in school growing up?" I said "Horribly, I had the hardest time comprehending and focusing". She could tell and said this is something I have been battling with for over 15yrs. {Which makes total sense bc I started struggling in elementary}. 

Anyway, at the end of my visit I felt totally and completely relieved and reassured. She also told me that the reason my prolactin level spiked so high and went down so quickly is from stress-imagine that!

I am to take everything she gave me for 4 months {some for only 2 or 3}. And I am to NOT get pregnant in the mean time. I do not have enough of everything to supply the right nutrition for myself and a baby to keep us both healthy. So no need to spend money on fertility pills any more ;) 

I will stay consistent with everything Harriet has told me to do and have faith that everything will work out. I am going to be okay, and I am going to get myself healthy {well the parts inside of me that are not} and I will carry and have a healthy baby someday. But that day is not today, and will not be tomorrow either. And I am 100% okay and at ease with that. 

If any of you would like Harriet's information, let me know. I have 100% confidence in her and have heard she has helped many girls get pregnant. She also said I was her 3rd client in this week with fertility problems, she knows her stuff, I'm tellin ya!

.Peculiar Baby. {4}

I had my appointment with Dr. B this morning. You ready for this?......EVERYTHING is fine! Woohoo! No tumor and get this, my prolactin level is right where it should be! I don't understand why or how it lowered itself within a week from each blood work I had done, but it is what it is. So, why I haven't gotten pregnant? It just isn't time I guess. Why I am having headaches, who knows! I will admit I was a little bitter after leaving his office today, Mister was there so I had to hold in my emotions until I got to my car. And every emotion went through my head. I am relieved that everything is okay, but I was hoping that there was something there and it being the reason why I wasn't getting pregnant. But really, it is okay. I am fine and hopeful for what is to come down the road. There are other options that can be taken and more doors to go through. This is a trial I have been given, a trial to learn something that I need to learn. Now, more than ever, I am leaning on the Lord to help me get through this. I will be a mother someday, but now just isn't that time and I am at ease with it.
Dr. L has given me some medication to take to help me get pregnant, and now that my prolactin is where it needs to be, I can take it. I also am going to see Harriet. Harriet is a naturalist. I know my body is a little off and I am not myself and I know that she can help me level everything out the natural way. I have heard nothing but good things about her. So if you have been to her or know someone has, I would love to hear from you!
Thank you everyone for the support. You are all amazing! And to my friends and readers who are having a difficult time, I know what you're gong through and hope that you will be able to get pregnant soon!

xoxo
Emily

.Peculiar Baby. {3}

January 14th, 2011

My appointment 2 weeks ago at Dr. B's office went great. He basically gave me the same information as Dr. L and ordered the same blood work. Ehh...What's another needle? I had my MRI 2 days ago. That machine was loud, but don't you worry, I was still able to sleep...that isn't a shocker to those who know me well :) I have a follow up appt with Dr. B a week from today where we will review the blood work {the new tests that were taken} and the MRI of the brain. It's getting closer. I am so very excited.
Thank you all so so much for the positive response and feedback I have received from all of my family, friends, and readers. Your prayers and thoughts are felt.
I know getting pregnant can take anywhere from 6-12 months, if not more, and that we've only been trying for 5 months. I understand that. I have had a few people remind me of that. But here are some facts on what's going on why I am so grateful with where I am at with all these test and doctor's visits:

*I have not been on birth control for 17 months
*I have not ovulated in at least 8 months, but have regular periods. So that's why I went to my OB, Dr. Layton, when I did.
*I got into Dr. Biesbroeck within 24hrs of when I called to schedule, it should have taken 3 months to get in. Huge blessing.

Everything has happened so quickly, life doesn't seem real right now. I am so fortunate for Mister. He is my rock. He has helped me become who I am. My best friend and eternal companion. I couldn't imagine having to go through any of this without him. I have been so humbled in this short amount of time and feel that this experience will only help Mister and I grow closer to the Lord and grow stronger as a couple together. He is everything I've got.

.Peculiar Baby. {2}

December 28th 2010.
I slept horribly last night. Not because I am worried, or because I am scared, but maybe because of the "un-known" and having to wait so long to get more of an idea of what is next. I was told to call Dr. Biesbroeck's office first thing this morning. Knowing that it would take up 3 months to get into him (or hopefully sooner with one of the doctors inside of his practice), I knew that having to keep all of this information inside of me for so long was going to tear me up inside. But until we have a better idea of what is about to take place, there is no reason to tell many people about it. Especially when I wouldn't have more of a lead for another couple of months.
Dr. B's office didn't start answering phones until 9am. I wasn't able to call until 9:30. The lady who answered the phone was in for a real treat. I spoke to her as if she was my friend. I basically gave her the skinny on everything that Dr. L gave me last night. Bless her heart, she probably didn't need to know all of it. I am trying to keep my voice down at work while talking to her so none of my coworkers over hear anything. Of course she asks me who the referring doctor is and specialty, and as soon as I say OB all my coworkers ears perk up! Expecting to hear from her that the soonest I could be seen was in March, she surprises me with the greatest blessing. She informs me that someone called in and cancelled just a few minutes ago for a 11 o'clock new patient exam tomorrow morning. I wanted to cry, or jump up and down for joy knowing that my prayers were answered last night. Dr. B's office will have Dr. L's office send over the lab work in time for my appointment tomorrow. As far as the MRI on my brain goes, Dr. L's nurse, Kim, will have to get approval from my insurance first before sending me somewhere to have that done. (Kim sounded very shocked with how fast I was able to get into Dr. B. And yes, I speak to her like she is my friend also. Bless her heart)  Since I will be in Dr. B's system, getting a visit with him after the results from the MRI come back will be easy to get into (as if being seen within 26hrs of my first phone call wasn't easy enough!). My boss has been very understanding of this and has given me the OK to take off whenever I need to, to get into these appointments. So thankful for that.
Having this appointment scheduled so much sooner that anticipated, I feel a lot more at ease and more willing to share it with others. The first people that came to mind were my parents. I want to wait to tell my siblings until after my appointment tomorrow to hopefully have more informative details to share.
Talking about this is something personal, but it also is very therapeutic for me. Sharing this is a burden being lifted off my shoulders. I know there are other people out there (some within my own family) going through more difficult times than this seems to be. But my entire life I have kept a journal, and writing down my thoughts and feelings is one of the best ways I've been able to get express myself.